Cut
by Ride on silver wings
Summary: “One more…” He had to stop this. He knew he did, but he couldn’t. He trailed the small blade across his wrist one last time. “Much better…”
1. Cut

**Cut**

**Summery:**

_"One more…" He had to stop this. He knew he did, but he couldn't. He trailed the small blade across his wrist one last time. "Much better…"_

**A/N: **This is rated T for suicidal acts, cussing, and possible character death.

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I do not own Maximum Ride.

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He had to stop this. He knew he did, but he couldn't. No. He just couldn't stop. The numbing, senseless satisfaction was too great. "One more…" Iggy whispered as he trailed the small blade across his wrist one last time. He breathed in a sharp hiss as he held the blade away from the skin. Almost immediately, he could feel the electrifying signals shoot straight to his brain, numbing his senses for a minute, as his blood seeped smoothly through the sliced skin. 

"Much better…" His blank, listless eyes stared up at the dark sky unknowing of the beauty that was there. No. He knew it was there, he just couldn't see it! This knowledge only made the chaos churn in his stomach, making it sour. Instead of bringing the blade back to his skin, he threw it far off into the trees ahead of him. It was dull anyway. Keeping his arm limp, he let the blood spill. The cuts were burning horribly, but he liked it. He liked being up here alone as well. Up here where it was cold and isolated.

Max had them hauled up in some cabin somewhere near Minnesota. The place was of decent size, had enough rooms for them all, a few bathrooms, and even had a huge stock of food ready. It was warm, it was safe, paradise for the others. It was nothing but torture for him.

Nothing about the cabin mattered to him. He didn't care about having a room anymore. He didn't care if he ever slept in a bed again. He didn't even care about eating. Not even the thought of hot dogs, his usual favorite treat, did anything to him. He didn't sleep much. Mostly hung around outside and cut himself.

It was the only thing that made the numb feeling go away anymore. He noticed the change inside him slowly and thought nothing of it. At first, he wasn't feeling as peppy as usual. He didn't get excited or riled up about a new explosions Gazzy had made with him.

Actually, the whole idea of making anything explode left him empty. It just did nothing. Just something of a hollow memory of joy. That's all it was now, though. A memory.

Things got worse over time. He found himself sleeping through any disaster then found he couldn't sleep for days on end. Whenever the others would complain about food, he only ever shrugged and said he was fine. He didn't feel like eating. That meant nothing.

In the end, all feeling left him. He felt hollow, numb, alone. No. Even the loneliness didn't compare to the absolute nothingness that filled most of his being. All was nothing. He was nothing. Nothing mattered. Not anymore. Not the world. Not Jeb. Not the School or any others like it. Even his own life, Iggy mused pathetically, didn't matter.

Iggy's ears perked at the slightest shift in the scenery around him. He had been listening to the leaves sway in the wind when a small almost silent pair of nimble feet stalked toward him. The only person who ever walked like that was Fang. Silent and swift, just like a moving shadow.

"Iggy." Fang stepped up beside him. "It's my watch."

"We don't need to do that anymore, remember?" Even to his own ears, his voice sounded far away and dry.

Not sensing anything yet, Fang sat down beside him and sighed. "Yeah, but she's paranoid. You know that." Nodding solemnly, Iggy carefully covered his wrist without Fang's knowing. It was then the older boy noticed something about his friend. "You're looking skinny buddy."

"We're all skinny," Iggy replied, putting up the defensive immediately.

"No. I mean skinny skinny." He looked at his obviously troubled friend with dark, questioning eyes. "Something going on?"

Iggy frowned. Nothing really was going on. He was just feeling really crappy and had found a way to make that feeling go away for a while. It was perfectly fine. Besides, his nifty recombinant DNA would have the scars healed in no time. "No. I'm fine."

"You sure? You're a lot paler than usual. And it's been a couple weeks since you've blown anything up or set something on fire." Fang used his keen raptor vision to look his friend over. He saw the dark patches under Iggy's eyes and how sunken his face seemed. Slowly, he began to note how slouched and scruffy he looked, more than usual that is. Then he saw how Iggy held a careful hand over his right sleeve. "What are you hiding?"

Holding his breath, Iggy went rigid and pressed down on his sleeve. "Nothing. Just go back to the others." Fang narrowed his eyes and grabbed his arm. "Hey!"

"Don't hey me!" Sliding up Iggy's sleeve, Fang's eye widened at what he saw. "Ig, what have you been doing?"

Pulling his arm away, Iggy shot to his feet and shouted at him. "I told you it was nothing! Just drop it!" Fang couldn't take his eyes off his friend's arm. The few fresh cuts were bleeding sluggishly now, but there were others. More rows of cuts. Some deep, some shallow. There were even a few teeth marks where Iggy must have bitten himself.

A mix of guilt and confusion filled Fang just then. "Ig, what's the matter? Why are you doing that?"

Iggy's face contorted to a type of embarrassed fury, which only seemed to hurt Fang even more. "If you tell the others about this, I swear to God-"

"I have to tell the others ," he said, cutting him off. "That just isn't normal!"

The blind boy backed up, a look of shock on his pale face. "Normal? _Nothing_ we do is normal Fang! I _want_ to do this!" Then out of nowhere, he pulled another blade from his pocket and pressed it to his skin.

"You don't _need_ to do that Iggy!" Jumping to his feet, he came at his friend to smack the blade away. Iggy heard him and jumped back, but stumbled over a stump behind him and fell backwards. In the process, he sliced too deep and howled in a mix of pain and absolute pleasure. "Iggy!"

Snow had cushioned his fall, but pain flared up from his wrist like a white-hot flame. He could feel just how deep he cut and knew instantly it was fatal. When he tried to move his fingers, only a stinging sensation awaited him and caused him to cry out. "Iggy, you idiot!" Fang was screaming at him, crouching over him. Frantically trying to stop the bleeding by applying pressure on it with some type of cloth. It wasn't working. Iggy could feel the blood seeping passed the cloth and coloring the snow.

Slowly and quietly, he started to laugh. It started out as a small chuckle, but it soon turned into a loud hysteric fit of laughter. He couldn't control it! "What's so funny? Iggy! Iggy!"

"Fang, I wish I could see your face," he admitted quietly after the laughter passed. "I wish…I wish I could see just how scared you are. How much you care that I'm dieing."

Fang was starting to cry now. How could his friend say such a thing! "You're not dieing! I won't let you die!"

"Why not!" Iggy screamed back. His throat began to close as a choking sob escaped his lips. "Why won't you let me die? It hurts to live, Fang! I don't want to live anymore!" Then he started to cry, no longer feeling the pain in his wrist. He just cried.

"Iggy," the name escaped Fang's lips. With tear clouded eyes, he watched his friend cry and writhe in so much pain. He held on tight to Iggy's wrist, but he had a dreading feeling that it wasn't going to help. "I don't want you to die. Please don't die. Please! I didn't know you were hurting so badly!" He gathered his friend, his brother, into his arms and cried.

Feeling himself drift away slowly, he opened his eyes and saw nothing, but he could feel Fang's tears hit his face. "Now I won't be numb. I don't want to be numb anymore Fang. No more."

He then went limp. Right there in Fang's arms. Fang couldn't breathe. He couldn't move. He stared long and hard at Iggy. Seeing how pale and still he was. How ruffled and incredibly sunken his appearance was.

But he saw how calm his face looked. How free he seemed.

"No," he breathed. "Ig?" He shook him slowly. Nothing. "Iggy? Iggy! _Iggy_!"

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Skittles: I'm not very good at portraying death or pain. So I don't know if I'm going to continue this. I have my heart in it, but I don't know if you guys like it. Depends on you readers out there if I continue.

So please review. For Iggy's sake if not mine?


	2. Bleed

_For all those out there who feel the pain within themselves and do not have the voice to cry out and say "help", you are not alone. Do not let the crimson rows of selfish pleasure blossom across your skin. Seek solace in someone you love. There's light out there, the warmth you are searching for. Do not give up. Everyone is there for you._

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_For Iggy lovers, I love the blind bloke as much as the next chick (or guy). I've had my friends ask why didn't I make Fang the one who slits his wrist. I always say the same thing. "It's been done." Think people, Fang may be dressed dark, his attitude dark, but does that make him depressed? Does that mean he's going to slit his wrists?_

_Look at the person who you least expect. Search for the person who may always smile, always have that answer, and yet dsearch ever so desperatly for one themsleves. Iggy is strong, courageuos, and witty even though he's blind. He never talks about how he is feeling. He's always following, always searching..._

_Who do you think may be hurting more? The boy who dresses dark, the bad-ass attitude, but has the girl who makes his heart flutter? Or the boy who's lost, always following, and may never have a complete grasp on life..._

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**I do not own Maximum Ride, because if I did, I'd love to paint the scene with different colors...**

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Everyone was gathered worriedly outside of Iggy's room. A doctor, a _real _doctor, was inside taking care of Iggy. Fang was pacing back and forth often mumbling and talking to himself, cursing and asking why constantly. Max was huddled on the floor against the wall with the kids clutching to her with tear streaked worried faces. It was Max that seemed most vacant. 

She felt she had failed them. She felt as if she had failed the whole flock by not noticing how much pain Iggy was in. It was these things she had to notice! It was her job to keep everyone happy, healthy, and strong! But she didn't. She failed. And now Iggy may have to pay for her mistake.

"I'm sorry guys," she confessed quietly. "I should have known."

Nudge had her face hidden in Max's shoulder as she shuddered with silent sobs. Gazzy could only stare forward numbly, as if he hadn't heard a thing Max said. Angel was doing the same thing as Gazzy, but she was clinging to Total for the life of her as tears trailed down her pale face. Even Total was crying as he held his paws up over his eyes.

"Why oh why?" he howled in sobs. "Why did Iggy do something like that? I thought you kids were smart!"

"We are smart!" Fang shouted. "We just didn't know!" Drawing his anger back, he glanced off to the side and whispered, "I should have known."

Max looked up at Fang, a vacant look in her eyes. Shakily, she asked, "Will he be all right?"

"I don't know," he confessed sadly.

The doctor had been in the room for a while now. They didn't care anymore if he noticed the wing factor. Nothing like that mattered right now. If he could fix Iggy then anything would have been all right. This wouldn't have been happening, though, if they had noticed in the first place. Iggy wouldn't have to be sown up like some rag doll.

The more Fang thought this, the more a guilty rage churned in his stomach.

_"Fang, I wish I could see your face," he admitted quietly after the laughter passed. "I wish…I wish I could see just how scared you are. How much you care that I'm dieing." _

Why had he said such a thing? Why? 

The guilt began to churn more, making him sick. 

"Why won't you let me die? It hurts to live, Fang! I don't want to live anymore!"

"Why Iggy?" Fang asked himself as he leaned against the wall, his forehead planted firmly against the wall. "Why did you feel so much pain?" 

"Now I won't be numb. I don't want to be numb anymore Fang. No more."

He remembered seeing the rows upon rows of cuts and scars lining his friend's arm. There was no way for him to even imagine how they must have felt. He didn't want to even think of what it felt like to do something like that. To bring a blade to your own flesh. To watch it bleed. Iggy had and it still made no sense.

Why bring such pain upon yourself?

"It's better to feel pain then nothing at all," he finally realized.

"What?" Max asked softly.

Shaking his head, Fang leaned against the wall and closed his eyes. "Nothing. It's nothing." He felt exhausted and distant from everything. Running his hands over his face he tried to wake himself up, but a choking sob lumped in his throat. He leaned forward slightly, his shoulders shuddering. His eyes were clenched shut, hot stinging tears leaking out of the corners as he tried to muffle his cry.

He was shocked to feel arms wrap around his middle. They were Angel's. She was hugging him with all her might, her face in his stomach as she cried against him. He let himself slide down the wall and captured her in a tight hug. _I have to stay strong. For the flock, for Iggy. _For what seemed like forever, Fang held Angel close and let her cry. They all cried.

Two hours later, the door finally creaked and then it opened. The doctor walked out, a grim and confused look on his face. They all tensed and waited for the worst, not caring so much if he was concerned about the wings. All they cared about was Iggy!

"Who's the oldest?" the doctor asked, his tired eyes searching the group.

Max raised her hand numbly from her spot on the floor. She couldn't look at the doctor, she could only sit and hear. "I am," she croaked.

He turned and knelt to face her, his eyes wandering to Gazzy and Nudge at her sides. Fang wasn't sure what the man was going to say. Neither was Max. The two of them spared quick glances as the doctor took off his glasses to rub his sinuses. From years growing up in a lab, this usually meant something bad occurred.

Fang could already feel his world start to fall apart. Tears blurring out his vision.

"Your brother, Jeff," the doctor began, "he's in pretty bad shape. He cut a bunch of nerves, some that may cripple that hand."

The image of Iggy slicing his arm popped into Fang's mind. He slammed the heel of his hand against his temple to blot it away.

"He also severed an artery, and I had a difficult time stitching it up because his veins were unusually collapsed. He's very dehydrated and thin." The doctor's eyes locked right onto Max's. "Has he been eating less lately? Or is he sick?"

"You're the doctor," Max said stiffly. "You tell me." Fang shot her a look that made her regret ever saying that, but it was already done. "I don't know. I guess he hasn't been eating much lately."

"Is he all right or not, doc?" Fang asked outright, sick of the tension.

The doctor looked back at Fang, realizing just how many there were in the little hallway, and noticing no real adult in the house. "Where are your parents?"

"Is my brother all right!" he shouted.

He looked at Fang with an unusual stern look, but he nodded and said, "Yes, he's all right. For the moment, anyway." At that instant, there was a unison of relieved sighs and cries of joy. Angel clutched Fang even tighter as she half cried half laughed into his chest. Fang didn't have the strength to stand, but he did feel a smile creep its way onto his face.

Iggy was all right. That's all they needed to hear. They could take it from here.

"Thank you doctor," Max said. "We'd like to see our brother now." She was about to get up, but the doctor held up a hand.

"No. Only one of you may go. He's still in bad shape, and too much activity could send him into critical again."

Max looked as if she were about to fight him, but Fang gave her another look. She realized he was right and nodded. "Fine." Then she looked at him, her eyes searching her friend's. She knew he wanted to go. It was only just. He was thee went Iggy did… "You go Nick."

Fang looked surprised, but the rest of the flock looked up at him and nodded. They knew he had to go as well. He nodded, a lump of cotton in his throat. "All right."

He stood up, sliding Angel off to the side and stepped toward the door. For a second, he just stood there, staring. A Thousand things were running through his head, most of them gibberish questions without an answer, but most of them were meaningful things he had to say. He wanted to say.

Iggy was right there, beyond the door in the bed, only grasping onto what was left of his life. Fang knew he had to do something to make life worthwhile for his friend, his brother, again.

Taking a deep breath, he stepped passed the door and entered the room.


	3. Bandage

Me: All right, there's going to be another chapter after this one, but just another version of this. I'm not sure how happy I am with this one because Fang might be a little... out of character. So I'm working on another version for those who want Fang to be his original, stoic, impassive self.

I made my friend read it and she says it sounds kind of slashy, meaning Figgy-ish... I swear I didn't mean to. Though, I do like those kind of fanfics...

Read this one for now and sit tight if you don't like it.

Thanks for being patient with me. I'm just coming out of some _serious_ writer's block...

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I don't own Maximum Ride

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The room was barely lit, shadows casting off the few things in the room, and Fang wondered how in the hell the doctor had seen anything when examining Iggy. "Iggy." The name escaped the lips of the forlorn teen when his eyes laid upon the frail figure in the bed in the corner.

All the courage he had mustered up to enter the room dissipated and he stood there with legs of stone. He couldn't take his eyes of Iggy, his fallen friend, his brother, his dear companion, his everything in the nothing! A lump of cotton formed in his throat as he choked back a sob.

"Iggy," he called his name again softly. Closing the door behind him, he leaned against it for a long time, just staring at the dirty strawberry blond boy deep in sleep. He just couldn't see it. He couldn't see how someone who slept as peacefully as Iggy could feel so worthless, so lonesome. So numb.

_It's better to feel pain than nothing at all._

When the world decided to stop moving, Fang took a step toward the bed. He moved through the dim room like a shadow come to life. That's how everyone viewed him as. A shadow. Unseen, unheard unwilling to change, unable to love. The darkness with a soul. He was the night.

Everyone thought he'd be the one to do the naughty, to bring the sin upon his skin. To mark himself with the selfish crimson rows of guilty pleasure. His heart had scars, just as everyone else did, but he never thought he was at the end of his rope. Not once ever in his short yet experienced life of torture and hell had he ever thought of death!

Iggy was the light, his light. The one who kept him from those dark thoughts. As long as Iggy had always been there, he was fine.

Before the dark-eyed boy knew it, he was at Iggy's beside on his knees and burying his face into the blankets, crying his eyes out. He cried for Iggy, he cried for Max, for the family, for the weakness he always felt, for the stupidity of the moment! Most of all, he cried for the tears he never saw Iggy shed.

He cried for the emptiness Iggy never told anyone, for the sorrow and chaotic world he was trapped in and yet never uttered a word. The words not said. Those are always the loudest.

Lifting his now dampened face off the soaked blankets, he looked at Iggy's pale and sunken face with bloodshot eyes. He saw how lifeless he looked, how creamy white he was from malnourishment, the deep plum colored bags under his lightly closed lids. His lips, pale and chapped, were parted slightly and the sound of his breathing comforted Fang.

He always liked hearing Iggy breathe at night. It always reminded him of the bond they had. He loved Max with all his heart, but Iggy had always been there, ever since the lab. The connection between them could never be explained.

Taking a deep breath, he sighed and knew he had to get out what he'd come in here to say. "Iggy," he whispered the name at first, scared. For some reason, his nerve was gone. He was quivering all over. With a hesitant hand, he reached under the covers and grabbed Iggy's hand softly. Though, he tried valiantly not to look at the grotesque stitches covering his pale arm. _Oh God!_ Another cry sneaked passed his lips. Hot stinging tears blurred his vision once again.

Shaking his head, he wiped his eyes on his sleeve. He took another shuddery breath to calm himself. When he looked off to the side slightly, he caught sight of a soft, fluttering glow. It was the window. Outside it was snowing. It was dark, possibly midnight now, or even later. The snow was coming down in a small flurry, each individual flake lighting up the scene with a ghostly white radiance.

The sight of it all made his top lip curl back slightly. He was mad at the snow. He was nearly enraged at the beautiful pureness of it all! The snow was so pure, so innocent to look at and yet within the cabin, breathing raggedly and weakly was his friend! To him, this looked as if the Gods were spiting him.

In a sudden flash, Fang saw Iggy's frail figure falling before him. His bleeding arm held out to him a last desperate gesture of help. Right before his eyes, he saw his friend dieing all over again, but at the same time, everything seemed to make sense. The answers to his questions may never be answered, forever they may remain a mystery, collecting and gathering like a falling snowflake.

With a newfound courage, Fang gripped Iggy's hand and started to speak. "Iggy, I don't know if you can hear me." His voice was quiet so the others couldn't hear, but he knew Iggy would. "You should. I wouldn't doubt it. You've always had good hearing, better than any of us. You're special that way, you know."

A lump fought its way up his throat, but he swallowed it and continued, "Iggy, you scared me. You still have me scared. I'm terrified for you, buddy. I want you to be all right. I want you to stay alive! What you did back there…What you've been doing all this time. I can't…" He stopped, the words lost again. All he could do was cry against Iggy's hand for a minute. He even found himself kissing the top of his hand, holding it to his cheek, crying.

"Talk to me Iggy, please! I want to hear everything!" he sobbed, his body quivering again. Unknowingly, he unfolded his wings and tried covering them both in his dark, protective feathers. "Tell me everything, Iggy. Tell me of your sorrow, of your fears, of the loneliness you've been feeling all this time. Let me take some of it upon myself if I have to! I'll take it all upon myself just to see you smile again."

In the midst of his remorseful words, he didn't notice the body shift in front of him. He kept going. "I want to be here for you. I'll chase away those demons that dare cloud your thoughts of no self worth and misery." With trembling fingers, he touched one of Iggy's scars. The scabbed ridged skin under his calloused finger felt wrong. It didn't belong there! "What led you to this? To this…self butchery?"

"It was the only thing that made me feel whole again." Fang looked up, wide-eyed. He saw Iggy's opaque blue-gray eyes staring back at him. Tears were streaming down the pale boy's cheeks. His lips quivered as he struggled to breathe. "Fang, I… Oh God, Fang." He squeezed his eyes shut then tried to hide his face with a hand.

Pushing the hand away from his friend's face, he had his arms around him and pulled him into a tight, protective embrace. His face was buried in Iggy's shoulder, but he could still speak. "Don't hide your tears from me. Let me see. Let me know! Don't hide from me. Don't leave me in the dark! Don't leave me again!"

Iggy had heard everything Fang said from the instant he walked through the door. He just wasn't able to bring himself to say anything. Even when Fang was crying, he wasn't able to speak. He only thought he cried for the others or because he saw how weak he was. Not once had he expected Fang to be crying for _him_. Something turned suddenly in his stomach. It was a weird, obscure feeling he hadn't felt for a long time. It was a good feeling, but he'd identity exactly what it was later.

This was good enough for now. Being with Fang, in his arms. Loved. Feeling wanted, like he belonged somewhere, in someone's heart. The warmth filled him quickly, making him tingle from head to foot. In that instant, he regretted everything he ever did.

"I'm sorry," he choked out. "I'm so sorry Fang."

"I'm here, Iggy." Fang scooted onto the bed slowly, not letting go of him for a second. He raised his right wing to cover them both. "I'm here. I won't leave you again. I promise. I won't."

Iggy sobbed into Fang's chest, his body convulsing in terrible tremors. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Fang…" The apologies wouldn't end. He kept spewing them out. An endless stream of sorrow and regret.

_It's better to feel pain than nothing at all._ Fang rethought that sentence over multiple times. He still hadn't figured it out. _I'll help you feel again, Iggy. _

"I'm sorry!"

Suddenly, the two of them grew very tired. Tired from crying, tired from apologizing, tired from worrying! The two of them soon began to drift to sleep, Fang still holding on tight with a protective wing over him. Iggy knew deep within himself that he would always be accepted by Fang, and maybe something more? Maybe. He would muse over it later. Just like he knew he'd have to face Max and the others. It would be all right then.

"Will you stay with me Fang?" Iggy asked, eyes closed, his voice groggy from exhaustion.

Fang's eyes were closed as well, but he opened them a slit to stare at the blond-haired angel in his arms. The corner of his mouth quirked in a small smile. _My angel. My buddy. I would rather feel nothing for you to feel everything. _"I will stay," he replied softly.

"All night?"

"All night." _No one could make me let go. _

Iggy felt the warmth start to choke him, but he didn't resist it anymore. He let the hot tears slip through the barriers and he cried from happiness. For the first time in so long he wasn't afraid to cry anymore. "Thank you, Fang. Thank you." _I love you Fang. I love you._ He couldn't bring himself to say it this time. Next time he would, though. When the situation wasn't so…morbid. "Maybe I'll give life a chance."

To Fang, those words meant the whole world. He hugged Iggy a little tighter, not caring if anyone walked in at the moment. Gently, he kissed the top of his forehead. _Our bond will never be broken. I swear it._ "I'm glad to hear that, Iggy. You have no idea."

Entwined in each other's arms, the two fell into a much needed sleep. All worries would be solved when they woke. For now, all they needed was each other and the acceptance they so longed for, the love never expressed.

Life was short, and in that short amount of time, no one should hurt.

It should not hurt to be alive.

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Thanks for reading. As I said at the top, I'm writing another version if you didn't care for this one. Just review and say what you didn't like, what you did like, and I'll be sure to do as much as I can. 


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